Greener than You? phase 2

The opening was fantastic and I'm having a closing show on June 12th from 5 to 8.

Milepost 5 

900 NE 81st Ave

Artist's Statement

The ideology of Green is an idea where we find comfort even though we have unease at the same time. Ideology is always based on the fantasy of the ideal, of course making it impossible. To be fully Green is death. We have multiple identity-based ideologies and in order to be any one of them completely we would have to shave off vital parts of ourselves. I know I don’t want to do that. Balancing our ideologies is definitely something I struggle with, but I know it’s not a winning game, so I need to learn how to be comfortable in knowing I can’t win. We think of being Green as our own and forget the systemic nature of how it has become something to be. Our ideologies are usually places where we find comfort, enjoy being, and can congratulate ourselves for getting it even if we sometimes don’t. I guess that’s why we maintain them. I love Green not because I’m a gung ho environmentalist, instead I love it because there’s a certain hope in not knowing how to think about it yet.

I know, but I do it anyway

Lately, I've been working on a concept I'm calling "I know, but I do it anyway" and have really enjoyed thinking about how the work is leading me to more acceptance.  Too often we/I think how if only folks would have more awareness or education or time they would be more apt to make better decisions. I imagine the proletariat throwing off their proverbial shackles and rising up, but maybe we know and we make the same harmful/self-indulgent decisions anyway. Sometimes though we know something but another part of identity isn't able to comfortably allow this new knowledge to be acted on. Maybe it's this internal conflict that makes it impossible to be outside of a "I know, but I do it anyway" performance. Or maybe this is a way for me to ignore the need to change and if I do it through an art series it becomes a legitimate possibility. 

Talking in Circles

This last Sunday, Feb. 5th, I gave a presentation at Research Club a super fun, cool, engaging, and informative project by Nim Wunnan and Mariah Maines at Brian T. Wilson's Tribute Gallery.  I presented a new project I'm calling Talking in Circles which is a discussion/storytelling group that will focus on one ist/ism each month beginning March 21st.  The first will be "Race: Let's be Civilized." The following is roughly what I presented although I can't really remember how I did it exactly because it was mostly improvised outside the slide reminders.

We're all Oppressors

• Oppress: to burden with unjust impositions or restraints
• We see people as individuals amongst individuals
• We see people as part of a larger group/culture
• We're both and both are very oppressive

How did I become one of the best oppressors out there?

• Thinking Liberal studies would set me free
• Became well equipped with boxes to put folks in, "respectfully."

Victim statuses are nice, but not all of me

• We/I often celebrate victims for survival and in turn demonize the oppressors making it shameful to acknowledge that part of ourselves
• Acknowledge how we oppress similar to how we acknowledge anger.  It is better to say, "I am sometimes angry" rathher than saying, "I don't get angry."
• We do this a lot with our ists and isms, namely racism.

So what is needed?

Why did I just show a picture of myself showering?

• I was just swimming in salt water.
• Then I was walking around and it wasn't very comfortable.
• I couldn't get all of the salt water off, but enough to make it comfortable for me to walk around not constantly thinking about the salt water that was chaffing.
• I learned/became comfortable with the tactic of opening the back of my shorts to wash off  from the guy who is now watch me do to reduce the amount chaffing. And it looks like he might be learning from me too.

My goal is to be at peace with my racist, sexist, heterosexist, ability-ist, and ageist self.

• My former self that was overt in my ist and isms.
• And my current self that still is at times overt but has a lot of struggles of how to balance and accept the internal dialogue of having so many labels/boxes that sometimes compete with each other.
• My self-hate must go somewhere.

We cannot forget our history unless we summon the strength to remember it properly. - Slavoj Zizek

This is a picture of when I was 20 and I went to Disney World with some friends.  I hate lines, as much as anyone I guess, and we decided to wrap my ankle with an ace bandage and rent a wheelchair to jump to the front of the line. We went to Epcot with the wheelchair and visited the various countries eventually ditching it in Germany.  Here I am holding some tchochky from Holland town pretending I am the recipient of the Make a Wish Foundation.  My look is sad and my friends are smiling trying to cheer me up because that is the stereotype we were playing with 14 years ago.

For some reason even though I am saying we need to own our ist and ism selves I still find the need to point out this was 14 years ago, maybe it's because I'm wearing a Tommy Hilfiger shirt and I don't want anyone to think I would still wear one, especially with the logo plastered on the front.

This is also at Epcot and this must be after Germany because there is no wheelchair. I'm in Japan land and have some japanese accessories to go with my squinted eyes.

So, what does it look like today for you Gabe, give some examples?

• Waiting room watching, "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"     The other day I was in a waiting room and this Smarter was on in closed captioning.  The host is Jeff Foxworthy the guy who does the stand-up "then you're a redneck" bit and has a contestant who is African-American.  Everytime the contestant gets a question right he does this running man dance and then does a centipede like arm movement that spans both arm lengths.  My immediate internal response was hoping those watching were not thinking this was a modern day minstrel and that he's not another J.J. for them to get some laughs out of.  This was followed by wondering why I felt I needed to protect this guy that I don't know and who doesn't know me and who maybe is ok in his own identity not to care.
• Gabe, why don't you speak Spanish?      I've taken 3 years of college Spanish and two years in high school, I should speak some, but I don't.  I realize now, within the last 4 month, that I signed-up for the classes hoping I would be ok with that part of myself that has Mexican heritage but once in the class with people wondering why I don't speak or people assume right off that I do that I wasn't ready for the internal conversation yet.  Part of me likes that I don't speak because that means that I don't have to fully accept that part that doesn't have as much privilege.  If I can just fit in then maybe people won't identify this other part of me.  Growing up as a Jehovah's Witness we didn't really get into our cultural heritage and our friends were primarily white, so there would be no real shared experience if we did. I've had plenty of opportunities since then though and haven't really capitalized on them.  Maybe because I would feel like an imposter to do so.  Who knows but I'm glad that I'm starting to ask those questions.

What do I need and how can you help?

• Talking one on one
• Challenge me
• Biggest part of my process is getting help from others
• Attendance to Talking in Circles beginning March 21st
• After first Talking in Circles in March repeat the above

That was pretty much the presentation.

The first Talking in Circles will be March 21st and will be titled "Race: Let's be Civilized."  I am very excited, especially after Research Club because it made me really think about and formulate what it is that I am getting at for the discussion/storytelling group.

Greener than U? revisted

I'm been thinking a lot about Greener than U? and how the idea of comfort or being at peace is this newish vein in my work.  I had previously been striving a bit for the uncomfortable non-win situation, but had never really gotten to what come next.  Well, I guess what is next is becoming comfortable with the acknowledgment that you can't win. 

When I thinking about winning it's primarily with ideology which is directly connected to how we formulate and thinking about ists and isms.

If I can become more comfortable or at peace with my whole contradictory self stepping firmly planting myself in opposing parts of me maybe I'll breathe better.

                                    
I'll be revisiting Greener than U? for the months of May and June of  2010 at the main loft space at Milepost 5.  I'm really looking forward to it.  I ejnoy using the ideology of green for comfort because we're not afraid of it yet.  It's new and we still are trying figure it all out, which means we are a little more forgiving.  I use green because unlike talking about racism, sexism, heterosexism, ageism, etc., we are more accepting of not winning. So you don't buy local or organic, but you bike and use your own bag and your bag is from IKEA, no problem at least you're trying, that seems to be the attitude at least.  Talking about race, gender, and sexuality don't really give us the room to see us as an oppressor, we have to find the oppressor in others.  Greener than U? is a bit of a first step in seeing that we cannot be ideology fully  and that is ok and part of how ideology  works.  To be ideology completely is death, like all other fantasy based desire.

Recycling Retreat

I'm Calling It a Retreat I felt, wasn't the type of show I need to keep.  I guess all series are kind of like that, but I lived with Retreat being stored in my room for about a year and half and they take up quite a bit of room.  I enjoyed them and I enjoyed showing them.  I'll always have those early mornings near St. Helens, those evening walks around the track with some friends, and the jaring memory of this crazy guy that I called Tater Tot who was a total and complete heterosexist.  I really can't stand that guy. I need to write about him.

Back to Retreat. I don't really miss the work since I dismantled it in December '09, but I do wonder why I had the need to recycle it.  Maybe to get rid of evidence, but there are plenty of pictures.  Maybe because the materials used were very crude or it was so different than the aesthetic that I'm usually drawn to.  In that case, I wonder if I was embarrassed by the materials.  I often felt the need to explain why I chose them and I wouldn't usually feel the need to do so in other work. I usually have a lot more pride in the material used and when folks respond to the use of mahogany or bamboo I take it as a compliment, I don't think it felt the same using paper, cardboard, ink, and various organic materials.

I am happy that I created a series that was hard to store while I was in rehab, an unlikely place to do so.  My part of the room was filled with these hard to store boxes.  When folks would ask what I was making I would usually just respond with, "I'm making spaceship."  They would chuckle, but some knew about my experience having auditory, visual, and tactile alternative perceptions (some would say hallucinations), so they might have believed that I believed I was making a spaceship. Who knows. The work has by now been composted, crushed, and made into the next thing.  Maybe part of it will visit me again and I won't even know it.  That's a nice thought.

Thanks for playing.

Detailed Photos from "I'm Calling It a Retreat"

I just realized I never really put up decent detailed photos of my October/November show I'm Calling It a Retreat. I really enjoyed putting this work out there and I'm very happy the Q Center was into showing something a little different. I made this work while I was in residential treatment for a couple of months in 2008 for alcohol addiction and while I was there I started fiddling around with what I had available, mainly recycled cleaning supply boxes, moleskin paper, and random organic debris. The treatment center was NARA located on 17 acres going toward St. Helens and they really try to get a good fit for what each client needs. I ended up using this work as part of my process. I dismantled the work in December of 2009 and recycled all it except the the individual pieces of moleskin paper. Those might come in handy later.

And here is the artist's statement just incase you missed it in an earlier post:

There are no gimmicks in this show. I created the work with extremely limited resources. In 2008 I spent 9 weeks in a Native American based rehab for alcohol abuse and this work is my process of trying to navigate my identity and my efforts to find a connected form of treatment. I’m a gay atheist who was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, so I am immediately distrusting of groupthink and lack of questioning that sometimes happens in rehab. Going to the 17 acres near St. Helens was my white flag. It hasn’t been the easiest path since leaving residential treatment, but I think I’ve found a rhythm that works well for me.

At this point in an artist’s statement my normal song and dance would be to show how I am an oppressor and how there is no winning the label game, but this is a different type of show. In this show there is no winning because it’s not a label game, it’s my life and it’s futile to point out that I’m an oppressor because in this context I think I’ve been hard enough on myself already. Sometimes I need to just allow myself to win, even if it’s just for the months of October and November of ‘09.

People see what they need to see, but it doesn't change what it is.

                                                                

Everything my whole life depends on one thing?

                                                     

Am I still somehow a Jehovah's Witness?

I resent folks that don't even exist.

There is no power greater than myself!

We affirm we have the power.

We are at home here?

I'm a duck? Why do I always have to be the duck?